The guilt at my ambition

After reading Michael Hyatt's blog entry on "Creating a Life Plan", I was just contemplating in the shower what exactly my grand plan in life was. What is the overarching vision that gives purpose to my being? What's the 5-, 10-, heck, 20-year plan?

"To be the first minister of Science in Singapore" was an option that welled up in my mind. I was uncomfortable with that thought. Too personal, I felt, too self-centred. Certainly not a grand vision.

"To cure cancer." That too rang somewhat hollow. A little too general, at least for now. I need something that is at once grand, personally interesting and specific.

I realized that I used to be a lot more outwardly ambitious, arrogant to some. Several painful lessons in social propriety and the need to behave with more consideration, more subtlety, grinded away that young edge. With it too, went some of the bold visions and grand passions. I became more short-/middle-term focussed, not thinking of the long-term very much.

I think I started to feel bad about being ambitious, guilty about being energetic and passionate, and knowing it, in a group of people who weren't so. Along the way, the guilt at my ambition wore it down, and it's been dormant for a while.

But perhaps I'm being harsh on myself. I never really thought of the long-term. It is education, experience and age that have brought these thoughts on me. The Hyatt post is also relevant in light of the recent death of the Wife's father. What do I want to be remembered for? What is my legacy?

I will take the introspective steps needed over the next few days to generate this vision. It is something I have deferred for too long. At least, a restarting of my blog-writing is a good beginning. ;-)